Position Wanted
AMANDA F. MARCOTTE
3218 1/2 E. Molly Ivins Parkway
Apartment 117D
Austin, TX 78752
cumguzzler-at-boozehound.net
CAREER OBJECTIVE
Seeking challenging, fast-paced thought leadership position in major Western industrial phallocracy. I have experience in a number of positions, including chapters 1-6 of the Kama Sutra, and an established record of speaking angry truth to theocratic power through edgy PostModern Riot Grrrrl punk feminism, which I am happy to disavow at your request.
EXPERIENCE
2/13/2007 - Present: Blogger, Pandagon.net. Created hard-hitting apology retractions, planned revenge strategies, investigated reich wing organization charts, indexed enemies database, achieved fetal positions, consumed several quarts of Blue Bell ice cream to dull psychic pain.
2/01/2007-2/13/2007: Blog Master, Edwards For President, Raleigh NC. Managed campaign website for top Democratic presidential candidate. Crafted strategic economic and military position papers, spearheaded outreach programs to progressive online community, led cross-functional archive-erasing teams, coordinated crisis management program, achieved follow-through on apology plan, renegotiated labor contracts, spell-checked resignation letter, successfully avoided pregnancy. Reason for leaving: international theocratic christofascist conspiracy.
5/16/2004-2/01/2007: Blogger, Pandagon.net. Founder and lead writer for progressive website read daily by thousands in the Reality-Based community who totally got what I was really trying to say and didn't take it out of context and twist it like Faux News or some patriarchal fucking ur-patriarch godbag tool of the patriarchy. Created unique edgy mix of angry satire, sarcasm, and actual opinions that many praise for their transgressive indistinguishability. Twice named "Website of the Year" by BusHitler T-Shirt Industry News.
10/12/2002-2/01/2004: Waitperson, TGIFridays, Austin TX. Two time Employee of the Week. Warned patrons of appetizer health hazards, organized nearly successful 2004 staff coup to overthrow capitalist hegemony of night shift assistant manager Todd Heinrich. Reason for leaving: start blog, spend more time with cats.
9/06/1998-5/11/1999: Teaching Assistant, Department of English, St. Edwards University. Graded papers for Dr. Gerhart for two undergraduate sections of E206, Post-fetal Gender Fascism: Toward a Post-Colonial Theory of the Easy Bake Oven. Successfully identified over two dozen cases of dangling participles, misplaced apostrophes, and false consciousness.
5/31/1995-8/16/1995: Cashier, Tastee Freeze, Alpine TX. Earned over $1500 toward college by serving life-shortening transfats to gap toothed inbreds in Jeebusland. Kept floors free of white sticky stuff.
2/08/2007-2/12/2007: Miss Emily's Finishing School For Cultured Young Ladies, Raleigh NC. Accelerated courses in diction, waltz, table etiquette, apologetics, not saying fuck every two syllables. Earned full scholarship from Edwards campaign. Left 8 hours short of graduation requirement.
Certificate, South Austin Holistic Veternary Center (2003). Major: Feminist Cat Therapy. Coursework included Primal Meow Therapy, Furball EST, Semiotics of Litterbox Droppings, Macroeconomics. Clinical practicum in Late-term Feline Reproductive Services. Thesis: "Our Pussies, Ourselves."
St. Edwards University, Austin TX (B.A., honors, 1999). Major: English. Upper division coursework included Feminist Theory (A); Feminist Physics (A); Principles of Feminist Accounting (B+). Strong classwork performance earned nickname of "Cum Laud." Senior Thesis: "The Imperialism of Gender (Casse)Roles: Toward a Deconstructive Feminist Hermuenetics of Postwar Betty Crocker Cookbooks"
Alpine High School, Alpine Texas (1995). Earned diploma despite being surrounded by repulsive hillbilly redneck Texas football godbags. YEEEE-HAWWW!!! Sweet lordy JEEEEZUSSSS we gunna win the big game aginst Permian cuz we been prayin to Robert Tilton to save all them poor lil' fetuses!! So we can turn 'em into Jeebus lovin' 'merkin killbots!! And lissin to some shit-kickin' Toby Keith!! And then we gunna drive by the alienated poetry club goth girl in our pickup trucks and make fun of her and never ask her to prom or realize that she has feelings and is dealing with father issues and can't wait to get out of this goddamn redneck shithole and move to Austin where some people actually appreciate non-conformity. YEEE HAWWW!!!
ACTIVITIES
Alpine High Pepsterettes 1,2
President, Alpine High Sylvia Plath Club 3,4
St. Edwards Pink Punk Womyns Quilting Collective
OTHER
100 wpm typing speed
500 wpm deleting speed
Health excellent; allergic to children
REFERENCES
Available on request. Please, don't Google for them.
